Why am I writing about cricket?

Those who know me well should wonder why I am writing about cricket. Because I have never fully understood the game. I grew up in a part of Africa where everybody played football. So when I returned to India, I used to think cricket was like football. I thought the wickets were like goal posts. One side tries to break the other side's wicket. Sacrilege for an Indian to think so. But when it was explained to me it did not trigger any interest in me.
And all my cousins were mad about the game. So I hated it even more. They played cricket, which I was just no good at. And one-day matches were a torture. All my cousins would be glued to the screen, and I had nobody to play with. And I could not enjoy the match on TV either.
But the torture got worse with time. When somebody remarked that all Muslims are Pakistani supporters. I knew some where, and I hated it. But I thought that only those Indian Muslims who support Pakistan were hated. It took me some time to realise that because of those some or many Indian Muslims who support Pakistan in cricket, every Indian Muslim gets hated. So when people said that I am a Muslim and must be a Pakistani supporter, I was deeply hurt and felt insulted.
But I don't blame them anymore. After seeing the ugly side of Muslims, I believe the Chaddiwalas (pink or saffron) are saints when compared to the Taliban.
Today I understand better. But in those days it was not easy. I continued to criticise Pakistan, first because I never liked a nation created for 'Muslims'. Second, because I thought I must be vocal to stop being clubbed with pro-Pakistani Muslims. Initially, I felt ashamed that Indian Muslims were pro-Pakistani. So, I criticised Pakistan wherever I got a chance. More so, if I met Muslims who seemed pro-Pakistani.
But, I soon realised that most people considered me pro-Pakistani, just because I was a Muslim. Some were considerate enough to say, 'You are different, but most Muslims are desh-drohis (anti-nationals)'. Though it should have sounded like a consolation, it hurt. I mean for Indian Muslims to support Pakistan in cricket is definitely wrong and condemnable, but does it really make them anti-national? There are reasons why I disagree.
If all Indian Muslims who have supported Pakistan in cricket were really desh-drohis, the country would have broken apart by now. It is a childish, stupid and illiterate thing -- being Indian and supporting Pakistan -- and thankfully we don't hear about it nowadays.
I even know of Muslim friends who were India supporters but suddenly started supporting Pakistan. I was shocked. They told me they were doing so because they were tired of being called Pakistani supporters and had decided to actually support it.
These and other experiences made me decide that I would rather die doing something for India than start supporting Pakistan because of such aspersions. Nothing like that happened. Like in jingoistic movies, I wanted something to happen where it looked clear that I had died for the country. So that all those who doubted my loyalty could shut up.
I would discuss these things with my father. He shared his own cricket torture with me. He and his colleague had been at work, oblivious to the results of an India-Pakistan cricket match one day. They were driving back home and wondering what the outcome was. Just when they passed Park Circus (a Muslim locality in Kolkata) they saw loud fireworks. My father's colleague remarked, "Pakistan has won the match". My father felt ashamed. On returning home he realised that it was India which had won the match.
He told me that I have to learn to accept that because of the behaviour and attitude of some Muslims there will always be some hatred that one has to put up with. So I blamed it on my fate. At being born a Muslim.
Then, one day. It was 1997. 50th year of our Independence. I was then doing a course at NIIT. On August 15th, we had a party. We were all playing with Paintbox on the computer. I was drawing a flag, the tricolour. A classmate came and saw and remarked. "You need to do these things, right? Otherwise people will think you are a Pakistani supporter."
Something within me died. It confirmed once and for all, that whatever I do, my loyalty to India will always be suspect. That sentence still rings in my ears, like a slap in Bollywood movies.
It changed me altogether. It made me conscious. Everytime, there was a cricket match on, if I was not at home I felt awkward. If India batted well, I was careful not to rejoice, lest someone make the same kind of remark. I made no expression, whether India won or lost. I just hated India-Pakistan matches. I started feeling that everybody was looking at me after every ball to see my reaction. Though it was not the case, I started imagining it was happening. Like I had my loyalty test to clear everytime India played Pakistan. It was torture. Because I did not feel comfortable doing anything. I could not be myself. Whether I smiled or frowned it seemed to mean the same thing. I used to freeze during such matches and try and stay as far away from the TV as possible. I used to fear that even my indifference would mean something.
Even today when I think of those days, I shudder. But thankfully, I think, we have moved on. I don't watch cricket. It does not affect my life or stop me from going about my other plans. And yet, I am not sure why I felt like crying when Sachin hit 200 and as a former colleague from a newspaper put it, hit 'Mamata's budget for a six'.
Maybe I have overcome that phase. Or maybe I was too happy inside and could not hold back.